Wednesday, August 28, 2013
"Breaking the Boob" or I should say " Breaking the Milky" as that is what Isabella calls nursing. Some of you may know how I still nurse my 4.5 yr old. This may be shocking to many, as I still find it mind boggling myself. See, breastfeeding was never talked about in my family. I had no idea if I was breastfed until after I had Isabella. My mom did breastfeed me until I was six months, she had to go to work then. My mom never talked to me about it. She simply asked me if I was going to breastfeed the baby when I was getting closer to my due date. When I told I would try to BF, she got so happy. I think about it now and ask myself why did she get so happy? We never talked about it. She never said "you should try bfding your baby. It is strange to me that she was so happy about something she never even discussed with me. I do have to say, even if we didn't discuss it prior, she was so supportive through it all. In fact, my whole family and DH were very supportive. DH's family was very supportive, until I continued nursing a toddler. Then I started getting the, so when are you going to stop bfding. MIL would ask Isabella directly when are you going to stop? You are a big girl now. I swear Isabella doesn't like MIl because of all those moments she had to put her 2 cents in. I can't say my bfding experience was difficult. I guess I can say I am lucky in that sense. I know so many wish to bf and have a very hard time at it. I also know some don't even get to start because they are faced with issues from the start. My heart goes out to those moms but they should know that is it ok. As long as you feed your baby, it doesn't matter if it is BM or formula. Just feed your baby. Just love your baby. That is what matter. I EBF until I had to return to work. I starting pumping and quickly realized I would not pump enough for baby. So, I was not that lucky. Not like those moms with an oversupply. I was able to give her 3-4 bottles of BM with one of formula. That was fine with me. I was just thrilled my boss let me pump at work. I work in a small office and never thought it would work. But there I was, sitting at my desk, typing away, with pump on. I still have a post it note stuck to my desk that says "don't forget the baby's milk in the fridge" I pumped until Isabella turned one. I will never forget when I made a visit to my office after a 2month pedi visit. I went to the bathroom and bf Isabella. When I returned, my boss asked why I didn't just bf her there. He has no idea how much that means to me now. After she was one, we just nursed while I was home. It was great! No pressure and we still both enjoyed it. I have to say, that nursing a toddler was so much easier. When she was a little older she even understood when I told her I wanted to wait until we were somewhere private to nurse. It was so sweet. She would sometimes say, "here mommy, you can use this to cover yourself. I guess we enjoyed it for a long time. I sit here telling you all about our nursing experience of 4.5 years. Honestly, I would look forward so much to coming home and sitting in our special spot on the couch to nurse. It was like I needed it as much as she did. I missed her so much and we just reconnected that way. I loved the way she would look at me with her beautiful eyes while she nursed. I loved that I could make any boo boo go away by giving her "milky". That is what she calls it, "milky". I loved that when she finish nursing, her cheeks were all red. Till this day they turn red when she is done. I was thankful that when she was sick and wouldn't eat anything at all, she would still nurse and I felt better that she had something in her. We fell asleep nursing. We woke up nursing. It was getting more and more infrequent as she was getting older. Even though she was nursing less, she showed no signs of letting it go. When she was 3 I started talking to her about how we needed to stop the "milky" how she was getting too big for it and mommy's boobs hurt at time. She would cry and tell me that she didn't want to stop. " I love milky" and my heart broke. The truth is I wasn't sure I wanted to stop myself. I did wonder at times if would affect my chances of getting pregnant again but my love of the "milky" was too much to make end it. Don't get me wrong, there were those moments during AF when I would get so annoyed that I had to bf. It was so uncomfortable. My milk would dry out and her touch would really bother me. That didn't last long and we were back to loving "milky" There were times I even questioned if I indeed had any milk left. I would ask Isabella and she would say "yes, mama, there is a lot of milky". I wasn't so sure she was telling the truth until one day she popped off and there it was, a drop of milk. I couldn't believe it. I still had milk. She was still really nursing" This year Isabella turned 4. I started the whole talk about stopping the "milky" again and it wouldn't end well. She would cry instantly and ask me why. It broke my heart and I couldn't even answer the question. Really, why did we have to stop. It isn't hurting her, we both still enjoyed it and there was no real reason to stop. I figured it would happen when we were both ready. Now she is 4.5 yrs old. I started to explain to her that I would have to take some medicine that would pass through my boobs and could make her sick. This meant she couldn't have milky. Her response "well, I know what we can do. We can wait till the medicine goes down to your feet and then i can have milky again" Too cute! It started to become a conversation that didn't end in her crying at the thought of giving her milky. So here we are 2 1/2 weeks and no milky. Yep, you read that right. The first week she asked for "just a little itty bitty milky" and I caved a little. Then she fell and wanted milky to help her feel better, so I did. This past week she has been milky free all week. I can't believe this is happening. She hints at it but in a playfully matter. Like she knows I won't give it to her but she will try and ask anyway. It is cute but still makes me a little sad. The last few days I have been feeling a little down because I was so used to coming home and going straight to our spot on the couch to nurse. Could it be that I am having a harder time letting go of the milky than her? I think so. It is a little freeing but I miss it. We do still bedshare, so I get tons more cuddles now. So I have been weaned...well..almost. Bright side of all of this..tonight..as I enjoyed a nice italian dinner prepared by my husband, I had a few glasses of wine with no worries. Cheers!